Embracing Unschooling: Transforming Learning for Our Neurodivergent Kids
Is your kid struggling with traditional schooling? You're not alone. We've been there. And it was honestly a little traumatic for all of us. But I'm thrilled to share that we found another way. And I hope our story offers some encouragement that there are other ways out there for your child to learn and get an education beyond the conventional system!
In this episode, I discuss our family's journey from public school, to homeschool, to unschool. I’ll cover:
[01:06] - From public school to homeschooling
[08:50] - Our experience with homeschooling
[10:15] - From homeschooling to unschooling
[11:50] - What is unschooling?
[16:14] - Benefits of unschooling for neurodivergent, pda autistic kids
[23:09] - Challenges of unschooling
[35:47] - How to get started with unschooling
[39:03] - What does unschooling look like?
[40:28] - Strewing
[41:25] - 4 things we do to support our kids’ learning
[44:35] - Interest-led learning
Let’s dive in!
More of a reader? I got you…
From public school to homeschooling
I never even considered homeschooling. As my son approached kindergarten, it just wasn’t even on my radar. My own public school experience had been mostly positive, and I expected the same for my children. But, short story, nope. It was not.
Different strokes for different folks
Before I share the longer version of the story of how we went from public school to homeschool to unschool, I want to start with a little disclaimer: I’m not a one-size-fits-all kinda girl. I’m not saying that unschooling is the right answer for every kid. But, it’s been a great fit for my kids, and I wish I would have known about some of the other options out there. I’m so grateful for the people that shared their experiences and knowledge about homeschooling and unschooling so I could see that there was another way of doing things. And I am ready to add my voice. But, again, different strokes for different folks.
Pre-K Experience
By the time he was in preschool, we knew something was different. He had started occupational therapy, and the OT diagnosed him with sensory processing difficulties. At home, he had some really difficult behaviors and so I was terrified for him to start pre-k, even though it was a small in-home preschool, with a lovely teacher, where he attended with his cousin and about five other kids. I spoke with her before school started to discuss my concerns, but he did surprisingly well all year, and at his graduation, she joked how I was one of those moms.
Starting Kindergarten
For kindergarten, I was still concerned, and had a sense that a full-day option would probably be too much for him. I looked into a half day option, and a couple Montessori schools, but then we moved for law school two weeks before the school year started and the only option available to us in the new town was full-day kindergarten at the local public school.
Again I was worried, so I met with his teacher to discuss my concerns and to ask for a 504 plan. Her response was that they couldn’t do a 504 plan until they saw how he behaved at school. So, basically instead of being proactive with accommodations, their plan was to be reactive. I was disappointed, but grateful that his teacher was willing to try some of the accommodations I mentioned, if he needed it.
At first, things seemed to be going well. He waved me off without a fuss on that first day, while I watched him walk off through blurry, tearful eyes–funny enough. But that smooth start quickly unraveled.
School Anxiety + Refusal
School mornings turned into a battleground, marked by his intense anxiety and overwhelming panic attacks. I’d bend over backwards trying to make his afternoons leisurely and fun, spending hours at the pool or the park, trying to compensate. But homework remained a nightly ordeal, and the dread for the next day would start building up all over again, and making it difficult for him to even sleep soundly.
His anxiety wasn’t just emotional; it manifested physically with headaches, stomachaches or sudden coughing spells. We experimented with every possible morning routine—bus rides, walks, drives as a family, park visits before school, pushing him in a stroller to the gates. But nothing we tried could ward off the inevitable panic attack that followed. Some mornings, I found myself camped out in the school’s front office, waiting for his panic to subside and for him to stop crying. Some mornings he wouldn’t get out of the car. Some mornings we didn’t even make it out of the house. This cycle of dread and distress dragged on for months, from August through the new year. And WHY did I let it go on this long?! Well, first I was operating from the mindset of exposure and desensitization—the idea that eventually he would get used to it, and get over his anxiety. But also, we kept trying because I just didn’t even think that there might be another option.
Coincidentally, one of my good friends in the area, decided to pull her kids out to homeschool. Her decision planted a little seed in my brain. She had done a lot of research and was excited to get started soon. And it got me thinking.
In February, things escalated. I found myself constantly searching for new strategies to make school easier for him. For example, the cafeteria was a nightmare for him—he'd skip meals because the noise and chaos were too much. We tried earplugs, but he worried about missing important announcements. Somedays, I'd join him for lunch in the school’s quiet atrium, hoping he'd eat without the stress. But more often than not, those attempts would end with him spiraling into a panic, wanting to go home. It was so awful to witness. And every morning, after dropping him off, I'd spend the day with this heavy heart, processing the emotions from the morning and worrying about how he was doing at school.
The Breaking Point
Up until this point, his teacher had assured me he was doing great during the day at school–well behaved, keeping up academically. But soon, the effects started to bleed into the school day. His teacher reported unusual behavior—excessive silliness, hiding under desks–signals we were reaching a breaking point. One day, after dropping him off at the front office and watching as he walked through the big, metal security doors towards his classroom, my husband and I were stunned to see him bolting out of the locked school doors straight towards us in the parking lot. He had somehow managed to slip past all security measures and escape the big locked doors to get to us. It scared the life out of me.
And then, one morning I got a call from the school. His teacher was on the line. She said he was hysterical and was wondering if something unusual had happened that morning. I explained to her, again, that our mornings are a recurring nightmare of panic attacks. This happens everyday, but we usually deal with it before he heads into the classroom. I suggested they let him wind down with some screen time, noting it sometimes helped at home. They reassured me they'd handle it, urging me not to come. And then, I got a call from the school counselor later that day recommending we pursue an autism evaluation for him.
Hearing how my son had tried to flee, how they had to physically guide him down the hallway, and how he then spent half the day on a screen to calm down, underscored the magnitude of the situation. This wasn’t just challenging behavior, it was a profound stress response, making it clear that our current path was unsustainable. I was could see that traditional schooling wasn’t working for him.
He had missed a lot of school by this point. We were getting notices from the school district about his tardiness and absences, but some days, it was impossible to get him to go.
One morning, his panic attack took a violent turn, resulting in physical harm towards me. Witnessing my husband's shocked and protective reaction, it became undeniably clear that our current approach was unsustainable. We needed to make a drastic change. Now.
Diving into Homeschooling
My friend lent me "The Well-Trained Mind" by Susan Wise Bauer. It is a big, heavy book, but I read everything that applied to us that day, and decided basically overnight to pull him out of school to homeschool. He finished out the week with a fun run and a school Valentine’s Day party, marking the end of his conventional schooling journey. I completed the necessary paperwork, and we dived right into homeschooling. Although he missed seeing his school friends, overall he was so relieved by not having to go to school everyday.
Our experience with homeschooling
A Classical Approach
Initially, inspired by "The Well-Trained Mind," I leaned towards its classical approach. But we quickly realized this method wasn’t the right fit for us. He was SO bored by it. And resisted doing any of it. I knew we needed to figure something else out.
The Good and The Beautiful
Then, I discovered “The Good and The Beautiful” curriculum. It promised an easy, engaging approach, complete with charming and thoughtful materials. We gave it a shot and noticed a clear improvement. The curriculum was filled with enjoyable games and activities that captured my son's interest. However, what struck me was the persistent resistance to starting schoolwork, despite his enjoyment of the activities once we began. Every day felt like an uphill struggle, but considering it was still a step up from our experience with public schooling, we stuck with it.
Homeschooling Both Kids
When it came time for my youngest to start kindergarten, it was clear that traditional schooling wouldn't suit him either. His boundless energy, constant motion, sensory sensitivities, strong desire for autonomy, and anxiety made the decision to homeschool him straightforward.
He also enjoyed the activities, yet he couldn't manage to sit through an entire lesson. His attention span just wasn't there. Plus, he also showed resistance to getting started, despite eventually enjoying the games once we got into them.
From homeschooling to unschooling
Fast forward a few years, to February 2022. We were really struggling. I was drowning. Parenting was unbelievably difficult at that time. And homeschooling had just become this constant battle, on top of the chaos.
Around this time, I stumbled upon Iris Chen's profile, @Untigering, on Instagram. Once an authoritative tiger mom, she had shifted towards a more respectful and relational approach to parenting. Through her posts, she shared her journey with unschooling her children, introducing me to the concept of self-directed education, also known as unschooling or child-led learning, for the first time. Her account led me to others who also shared their journeys in child-led learning. I was captivated, soaking up every bit of information on the topic.
Within this community, someone suggested reading “How Children Learn” by John Holt. Admittedly, the book’s style is pretty dry, but it was completely transformative for me. Holt's insights into the innate instincts of children to learn—like their natural instinct to breathe—opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on education.
John Holt was an educator that sought to understand how learning occurs. He concluded that by removing educational demands and pressures and providing freedom and support instead, children naturally take joy in educating themselves.
The more I learned, the more this philosophy made sense to me. And so, I let go of our beautiful curriculum and we began our unschooling journey.
What is unschooling?
First, I should mention, unschooling is also referred to as self-directed education, self-directed learning, and child-led learning. So I use the words interchangeably.
Unschooling centers on children guiding their educational paths, concentrating on their passions and setting their learning speed. This method is commonly viewed as a type of homeschooling method but is also adopted by progressive schools such as Sudbury schools, which prioritize autonomous learning. The core concept is to depart from uniform curriculums to foster a learning setting that adapts to each child's curiosity and interests. This approach extends beyond textbook learning to include engaging with the world in a manner that aligns with the unique perspective of each child, whether that's within the home, in supportive educational settings, or a blend of both.
How is unschooling different from traditional schooling methods?
It does not follow a set curriculum or set of academic standards
Learning doesn’t have to be in a specific sequential or systematic way
Learning isn’t confined to scheduled school hours with a clear separation between school time and life—learning happens all the time, it’s a part of life
There’s not a big emphasis on tests or grades or assessments to measure progress against standardized benchmarks
Kids learn at their own pace in their own unique way
Rather than a teacher or parent led approach where students are often passive recipients of knowledge, the kids are in the driver’s seat—actively pursuing their interests with the support of their parents and teachers
Benefits of unschooling for neurodivergent + pda autistic kids
Navigating the world of education can be particularly challenging for families with neurodivergent children, including those with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, autism, ADHD, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and chronic conditions such as Type 1 Diabetes. For us, and many others, traditional educational methods have often fallen short, making unschooling not merely an alternative educational path but a crucial lifeline. This approach, characterized by self-directed learning, offers a refreshing escape from the rigid demands of conventional schooling. It aligns perfectly with the needs of children who find the typical school environment overwhelming due to their need for control, severe anxiety, and sensory sensitivities. A startling statistic from the PDA Society reveals that 70% of individuals with a PDA profile struggle significantly in traditional school settings or are moved to home education. This high percentage underscores the urgent need for flexible, child-centered learning environments that unschooling provides. By focusing on the individual interests and pace of each child, unschooling creates a nurturing space where learning becomes accessible, enjoyable, and tailored to the unique challenges these children face.
Low-Demand Learning
PDA children specifically often struggle with the demands of conventional schooling due to their need for autonomy. Unschooling’s child-led approach minimizes external pressures, allowing these children to engage at their own pace and on their own terms, which can significantly reduce anxiety and encourage engagement.
You may have heard how lowering demands is a helpful accommodation for pda children. Unschooling or self-directed education is like a low-demand approach to learning. It removes the pressure of conforming to a structured educational system, and allows children to learn in a way that's natural for them.
Interest-Led Learning
If you have autistic children, like I do, you might notice that they have special interests that go deep and bring them so much joy and help them cope with challenges. An unschooling approach focuses on their unique interests and passions, and they engage deeply, and it makes learning enjoyable and very meaningful for them. This approach harnesses their intense curiosity and channels it into learning.
Flexible Structure
Learning in this way is very flexible. I can adapt activities to fit my kids’ current emotional and psychological state. Learning can be paused, altered, or redirected as needed to accommodate their needs in each moment, reducing stress and conflict. It offers a custom-fit education that traditional schooling often can't provide.
Personalized Pace
A core principle of unschooling is allowing children to learn at their own pace, benefiting those who need extra time to process information or frequent health breaks.
Benefits of Unschooling for Children with Chronic Conditions
For families managing chronic conditions like Type 1 Diabetes, unschooling offers a beacon of flexibility and understanding that traditional educational settings often can't provide. Our experience has shown that unschooling accommodates the unpredictable nature of diabetes management seamlessly.
It allows for learning to adapt to the child’s energy levels and well-being, ensuring they engage in educational activities when they’re feeling their best. Unlike the rigidity of a set school schedule, unschooling empowers our child to listen to their body, rest when needed, and dive into learning when their mental clarity is at its peak.
This approach not only facilitates better health management by prioritizing their physical needs but also fosters a sense of autonomy. Making choices about what and when to learn enhances decision-making skills and self-confidence—critical abilities for anyone navigating the complexities of a chronic condition.
Mental Health Benefits of Unschooling
The transformative mental health benefits of unschooling shine as a testament to its nurturing approach, creating a stress-free educational environment that respects each child's unique pace and learning style.
Far removed from the high-pressure atmosphere of traditional schooling, unschooling empowers children with the autonomy to shape their learning journey, focusing on interests that spark joy and engagement. This method fosters a love of learning driven by curiosity rather than compulsion, significantly enhancing both retention and active engagement.
Children involved in unschooling develop a profound self-awareness, recognizing their strengths, areas for growth, and effective coping strategies. The adaptability of unschooling allows for mindful pauses, stress management, and the integration of mental health practices into daily life, providing a haven from the negative impacts of conventional schooling environments.
Especially for children facing challenges or disabilities, unschooling offers a compassionate, understanding space free from bullying and misunderstanding, prioritizing mental well-being above all.
Our journey away from traditional education to unschooling has profoundly benefited our children's mental health, offering a tailored learning experience that traditional classrooms could never replicate.
Strengthening Bonds and Holistic Learning
I’ve loved how unschooling has strengthened the connection between me and my kids. I’m no longer pulling teeth to get my kids to school or to do our homeschool curriculum. We’re learning all the time in our natural rhythm of life and through playing.
I love that we all get to learn and pursue our passions together. And I love that they are getting a holistic education where practical life skills, creativity and emotional wellbeing are prioritized alongside their academic development.
I love how unschooling can provide a nurturing, less stressful environment that values individuality and prioritizes mental health and well-being. For neurodivergent children and those with chronic conditions, like mine, these benefits are really impactful. I love that unschooling offers a path to education that honors who they are.
Challenges of unschooling
Unschooling offers a liberating approach to education, but it's not without its challenges. Here's a closer look at the hurdles we've encountered on our journey, along with strategies we've adopted to navigate these waters.
Personal Doubts and Societal Expectations
One of the most significant challenges I've faced is overcoming my own fears and concerns about my children potentially falling behind academically. Initially, the thought of unschooling felt like a leap into the unknown, with worries about academic delays and skill gaps looming large. However, as we embraced this path, I saw my children flourish in unexpected ways, acquiring skills and knowledge that traditional schooling might never have offered them. This journey has taught me the importance of valuing diverse learning experiences over conventional academic benchmarks, highlighting the vast opportunities outside traditional education frameworks.
Building a Supportive Community
Creating a supportive network has been another hurdle, particularly after moving to a new area. The lack of an automatic social network that traditional schooling provides means we have to actively seek out like-minded communities. This challenge is compounded by our children's unique needs and the general anxiety of forming new connections. However, by exploring online platforms, leaning on family, and seeking out help for their anxiety, we're working towards building a new circle, demonstrating that community can be found in many places.
Managing Resources
The flexibility of unschooling demands significant time and financial resources, especially when catering to specific interests like Legos, which can be costly. We've been fortunate to find state support that alleviates some of these pressures, allowing us to invest in our children's learning. Yet, this journey has highlighted the disparities in access to unschooling, with socio-economic factors playing a critical role in the feasibility of this educational path for many families.
Addressing Judgment and Misconceptions
Facing skepticism and judgment from others about our choice to unschool has been a challenge. While we've been lucky to have supportive friends and family, not everyone understands or agrees with this path. Navigating these criticisms requires courage and conviction in the choices we make for our children's education, underscoring the importance of community and support in the unschooling journey.
How to get started with unschooling?
Step 1: Diving Into Research: Understanding Unschooling
The first step in our journey was immersing ourselves in everything unschooling. From reading books and blogs to listening to podcasts and watching videos, we sought to grasp the core principles of child-led learning. This phase also involved familiarizing ourselves with our state’s homeschooling regulations to ensure our approach remained within legal bounds. It’s crucial to gather as much information as possible to fully understand the unschooling philosophy before making the transition.
Step 2: Conversations and Planning: Family Involvement
Discussing what we learned with my spouse was an essential part of the process, as was introducing the concept to our children in a way that highlighted its benefits, especially autonomy in learning. Since our homeschooling journey had its challenges, the prospect of unschooling, with its focus on freedom and interest-led learning, was met with enthusiasm from the kids.
Step 3: Deschooling
Deschooling serves as a critical transition period, allowing both parents and children to detach from the rigid structures of traditional schooling. It's a time to reset, focusing on living life and exploring interests without the constraints of a formal curriculum. This period is about decompression, reevaluating educational beliefs, and opening up to new learning paradigms. For our family, the deschooling phase extended beyond the initial plan due to unforeseen circumstances, highlighting the importance of flexibility and patience in this process.
Embracing a New Learning Lifestyle: Living the Unschooling Philosophy
Deschooling gradually led us to appreciate the beauty of learning that occurs naturally through life experiences. It allowed us to witness firsthand how children's curiosity, when left unhindered, leads to genuine learning moments. This step wasn't just about stepping away from traditional education; it was about embracing a lifestyle where education is woven seamlessly into the fabric of daily life, respecting each child's pace and interests.
What does unschooling look like today?
Living Life + Exploring Interests
As my kids have come out of burnout, and moved into recovery, our days are spent living life and pursuing our interests. We don’t have a set curriculum, learning happens all the time. Sometimes, I take note of the subjects we cover each day naturally throughout the course of the day, and I’m always surprised to see how many topics we cover just by living life and exploring their interests.
Team Effort
Since we work from home, my husband and I take turns with the boys (between pda, diabetes and supporting their interests, they need a lot of attention and support). We both have a good relationship with the boys, and I think our connection with them is a foundational piece for this type of education to be successful and to create a supportive environment for learning.
Cultivating a Culture of Lifelong Learning
I think we’ve also developed a family culture of learning. Both my husband and I model lifelong learning. For example, my husband switched careers and went to law school. I switched careers and learned web design. Then recently, I learned how to start a podcast. And my husband took up a new hobby of weight-lifting. My kids are watching us pursue our own interests and learn new things.
And we support them with their interests and help them find answers to their questions. We also talk about how learning happens all the time, and my kids have started to recognize that they’ve learned a lot through play and through living life.
Strewing
I also use strewing as a tool to nurture their interests, encourage learning, and broaden their horizons. Strewing is essentially creating opportunities for them to engage with, without any obligation. It involves casually leaving items or activities out for my kids, based on their interests and personalities.
Sometimes, these offerings are physical items placed in their usual hangouts, inviting curiosity. Other times, I might actively interact with something in their presence, subtly suggesting they might find it interesting too. Or, I might mention an activity, like going out to collect the mail, to see if it sparks their interest.
Their reaction can vary—they might jump in, or they might not, and that's perfectly okay. The whole point is to gently propose experiences that could delight them or introduce them to new ideas, all in a no-pressure, open-ended way.
4 ways to support our kids’ learning
In our unschooling journey, creating a conducive learning environment is paramount. Here's how we do it:
1. Creating a Rich Learning Environment:
Our home is a treasure trove of learning resources tailored to various interests and learning styles. From art supplies and sports equipment to scientific tools and musical instruments, every corner is designed to spark curiosity. With dedicated spaces for reading, crafts, and physical activities, our setup is also tailored to meet the sensory needs of our autistic sons, ensuring a comfortable and stimulating environment for exploration.
2. Thoughtful Technology Integration
Technology plays a versatile role in our home, serving as a tool for play, learning, and connection. We encourage our children to use technology responsibly and safely, guiding them to understand its value beyond entertainment and to utilize digital resources as an extension of their learning experiences.
3. Nurturing Social and Emotional Growth
Our approach extends beyond academic learning to embrace social and emotional development. Utilizing online platforms and community resources, we seek out opportunities for social interaction and emotional growth. Through daily activities, we emphasize the importance of empathy, conflict resolution, and effective communication, ensuring our children are well-rounded individuals.
4. Encouraging Interests and Exploration
We actively support our children's interests, providing them with the materials and experiences that fuel their passions. Whether it's engaging with Lego sets or exploring the digital world of Minecraft, we strive to make learning an enjoyable and meaningful adventure that aligns with their personal interests and curiosities.
The power of interest-led learning
Interest-led learning is a transformative approach that leverages personal passions as the driving force behind education. A compelling example of its impact is showcased in the documentary "The Speed Cubers," featuring Max Park, a Rubik's Cube champion with autism. Max's deep engagement with cubing naturally led to the acquisition of new skills, the formation of social connections, and the ability to overcome challenges. This story mirrors our own experiences with interest-led learning in our unschooling journey.
Both of my children, who are also autistic, have found profound joy and learning opportunities through their special interests in LEGO and Minecraft. These interests have opened up a world of learning across various subjects, all through play and exploration, without the resistance often associated with traditional educational methods.
Minecraft serves as a versatile platform where creativity, problem-solving, technical skills, and even social skills flourish. Players engage in everything from architectural design to electronic circuitry, tackling challenges that foster critical thinking and collaboration. It's a universe where geography, history, and science come alive in the biomes and structures they explore and create.
LEGO, on the other hand, offers tangible benefits including fine motor skill development, spatial awareness, and an understanding of engineering principles. Assembling LEGO sets promotes creativity, problem-solving, and the ability to follow complex instructions. Collaborative projects and storytelling around their creations further enhance their communication and narrative skills.
These examples underscore how interest-led learning transcends traditional educational boundaries, allowing children to acquire a broad range of skills through activities they love. It's a testament to how passions can be the gateway to comprehensive learning, embodying the essence of unschooling by nurturing a love for learning that is as natural as it is profound.
Embracing Unschooling: A Journey Towards Joyful Learning
Unschooling freed us from traditional educational approaches that didn't meet my children's unique needs. It gave us the freedom to explore, grow, and learn in a way that celebrates their individuality and respects their autonomy. This path has given me trust in their natural curiosity and capacity to lead their own learning adventures. It’s shown me that when we create an environment that honors their interests, supports their challenges, and champions their strengths, it paves the way for truly joyful learning. I've learned the value of staying flexible and nurturing a strong connection with my children, and giving them the freedom to explore and learn in a way that resonates with them. And I’ve learned that there are lots of ways to learn. I hope our story inspires you to find the education approach that allows your child to flourish in their own extraordinary way.
Let’s Connect
Thanks for tuning in today as I discussed our journey from traditional school to unschool.
I’d love to hear from you! What challenges have you faced with your child’s educational journey? If you’re unschooling or pursuing an alternative education for your child, what inspired you to do so? I'm considering creating some resources for unschooling families, like a list of strewing ideas. Would you find that helpful? Let me know. You can send me a DM on Instagram at @maybethiswillbethecure.
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Resources
I just wanted to share some of the resources that have been helpful to me on our unschooling journey:
Disclaimer: The information shared in this podcast & the show notes is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.