Seasons of Grief: Navigating Past Trauma
I’ve talked with several people lately that are having a tough time. They've felt unusually emotional, grumpy or struggling to get through the day without knowing why. And I’ll admit, I’ve been struggling too, but I think I know why.
In this episode, I’ll share what I’ve been struggling with, what I’ve learned about how our bodies hold onto past traumas, how to heal, and what I’m doing to cope in this season.
In this episode, I discuss:
[00:50] - A season of grief + sadness
[03:46] - The body remembers past traumas
[05:14] - Healing past traumas
[09:06] - Learning how to feel my feelings
[11:10] - Using journaling + writing to process past traumas and current emotions
[11:41] - Therapy and coaching - helpful tools for healing
[12:36] - Suffering is an inherent part of living
[15:52] - Slowing down + taking gentle care of myself
If things have been tough for you lately, I hope this offers some comfort and maybe sparks some ideas for your own journey.
More of a reader? I got you…
Grief attacks and seasonal triggers
For the past two weeks, I’ve felt awful. A cloud of depression has rolled in, bringing depressive thoughts, draining my energy and motivation, and fogging up my brain, making it hard to function at my normal capacity. OCD symptoms that haven’t bothered me for a long time have started to plague me again—intrusive thoughts and that little voice telling me to do this or that or else something terrible will happen. I literally feel terrible.
I track my cycle religiously. My moods and mental health typically correspond with my cycle. But this was supposed to be my good weeks. So I kept wondering, “Why do I feel so awful?” I tried to pinpoint the reason. I came up with a couple ideas of what could be behind it all.
But the day before Easter, as I got ready for the family Easter Egg hunt, it all hit me. I realized what time of year it was. I was flooded with flashbacks, grief and emotions. I sobbed hard for a solid 30 minutes, as the wave of grief pummeled me.
I learned recently this is called a grief attack. Similar to a panic attack, but filled with grief.
The trigger? Well, two years ago, around this time of year, my son began showing the symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes, but we didn’t know what was going on, sending us on a frantic journey of uncertainty and fear.
During that time, we celebrated Easter and his birthday, traveled to visit family in Utah and Arizona, and experienced the beautiful Spring weather, all while navigating awful symptoms, searching for answers, meeting with different physicians, trying so many things. And his health continued to decline. It was terrifying.
During that time, I had a gnawing panic that something was seriously wrong. My stomach hurt all the time, aching with worry. My face broke out in itchy stress rashes. I was so overwhelmed and concerned. When he was finally hospitalized and diagnosed with diabetes, that whole experience was traumatic in its own way, but it actually brought me so much relief to finally know what was going on and to get my son the help he actually needed.
Fast forward two years and here I was getting ready for Easter and it all hit me.
I hadn’t thought much about what time of year it was. Or the past traumas from two years ago. But, my body knew. It remembered.
The spring weather, the Easter and birthday prep are all reminders to my body of that awful, scary time two years ago. Finally, I understood why the depression and OCD is flaring up again. It all makes sense. My body knows. And last year around this time, it happened too. The spring season the onset of spring brought up similar emotions.
The body remembers past traumas
As I've delved deeper into understanding nervous systems to better support my children with sensitive nervous systems, I've learned that our bodies hold onto frightening or painful experiences even when our minds attempt to forget. And then, our bodies react automatically to triggers that remind it of that scary or tough moment, making us feel stressed or scared all over again, even if we're safe now.
Recently, while reading "Beyond Behaviors" by Mona Delahooke, I came across a compelling illustration. A child struggling with behavioral issues in class found no relief despite various interventions. Eventually, it was discovered that the scent worn by the teacher or aide resembled that of someone who had previously hurt the child, triggering an automatic reaction.
Reflecting back two years ago, I realize how the present holidays are triggering those past traumas. As I prepare for the upcoming events of this spring season, my body recalls those harrowing moments in the past, igniting feelings of depression, anxiety, and exacerbating my OCD symptoms.
Healing past traumas
Last year, I took a mini training online about healing trauma from nervous system expert, Irene Lyon. She explained five necessary keys to heal:
1) Awareness or Psychoeducation
The first step is to gain an understanding of how the brain, body and nervous system work and what healing trauma looks like. (Irene’s training is a great place to start!) It’s helpful to learn about the vagus nerve, polyvagal theory, how our nervous system stores traumatic memories, what it takes to heal, co-regulation and neuroplastic healing. These are all topics I’ve been learning about as we’ve navigated my kids’ nervous system disabilities and autism diagnoses.
2) Connection, Support and Community
Since launching this podcast, I've been deeply moved by the connections it's fostered. The flood of heartfelt messages and engaging conversations sparked by my episodes has been truly heartwarming. I appreciate it so much!
3) Mastering Stress Physiology
Irene says that to master our stress physiology, we need to go right to the source of how our body responds and holds onto stress. She teaches how to work with different parts of the body to help with your stress response.
I haven’t enrolled in her full Smart Body Smart Mind program, so I’m not familiar with her approach. However, I’m currently taking steps to support my body better in handling stress this season.
Since these symptoms emerged in spring, I've delved into Traditional Chinese Medicine's view on the transition to spring. Spring signifies renewal, akin to spring cleaning for your body. Traditional Chinese Medicine suggests that stagnant Liver Qi post-winter can lead to blockages and various symptoms like irritability, restlessness, aches, pains, acne, indigestion, bloating, constipation, allergies, and PMS. To aid the body during this time, it advises movement, increased intake of leafy greens, liver-supporting herbs, decluttering, and healthy emotional expression. Thus, I’ve embraced these practices to support my body’s stress physiology this season.
4) Feeling our Discomforts and Fears
In the training materials, Irene says, “The very experiences, especially scary feelings and uncomfortable sensations, we try to avoid are often the VERY SAME experiences we need to feel to really heal.” She talks about learning to feel them “in a way that’s manageable” and that leads to “the release of the stress responses” without keeping us stuck or sending us into shutdown.
5) Building Capacity
As you work on the other four things—awareness, connection, mastering stress physiology and feeling discomforts and fears—your capacity grows.
I loved the training and it really helped me better understand how the nervous system works and what it takes to heal. Check it out! (Just FYI: These aren’t affiliate or sponsored links! The training is free and it was so helpful for me, so just wanted to share it with you all!)
I’m not an expert, I just want to share some of the things helping me heal and cope this season:
Learning how to feel my feelings
Feeling awful emotions and sensations can be painful and uncomfortable. But, I’ve learned that emotions and feelings are like waves—they hit you and then recede.
I’m learning that when I try to resist the feelings or shame myself for having certain feelings, they tend to linger longer and jam things up.
Helpful Visualization #1: The Train Station
One of my coaches explained that she thinks about feelings like a train station, with different feelings coming and going all the time. But if you try to resist one, it’s like a train getting stuck in the station and preventing the other trains (feelings) from coming in. So I’ve been practicing allowing the uncomfortable feelings to come in and sit with them.
How to feel feelings
You may be asking, “HOW? How do you actually feel your feelings? Like what does that even mean?” I’ve asked that myself.
Helpful Visualization #2: Describe the Feeling
One way I’ve learned to feel my feelings is to notice what the sensation feels like in my body and name it. I ask myself:
Where is the feeling in my body?
What does it feel like?
What color is it?
If you could describe it’s shape, what shape is it?
Another one of my coaches gave me a really helpful visualization. She said, when grief comes in, or whatever uncomfortable emotion you’re dealing with, she imagines letting the feeling get as big in her as possible and completely filling her body. Then she imagines it expanding out and filling the room, then the town, all the way up to space. When I’ve done this visualization, as I imagine the feeling getting bigger and bigger and filling up my whole body and the room out to space, for a couple minutes, I usually cry harder as the feeling moves through and then exits my body. But then, this incredible peace and calm and relief rolls in.
Just to give you an example: I’m feeling a heavy weight in my stomach. It’s a dull, gnawing pain as if I haven’t eaten in days. It feels like a dark gray, heavy rain cloud.
When I do this exercise, it almost seems to pull the emotion out of me, while I examine it, and then in doing so, I often feel a little bit lighter.
Helpful Visualization #3: Big Feelings
Another one of my coaches shared a helpful visualization technique with me. She suggested that when experiencing grief or any uncomfortable emotion, I should imagine allowing the feeling to expand within me, filling my entire body. Then, I visualize it expanding outward, filling the room, the town, and reaching up to space. When I've practiced this visualization, allowing the feeling to grow and encompass everything for a couple of minutes, I often find myself shedding more tears as the emotion passes through and eventually exits my body. Yet, afterward, I experience an incredible sense of peace, calm, and relief.
Using journaling + writing to process
Another way I’m processing is through journaling and writing. It helps me make sense of tough past experiences and understand what’s currently happening in my mind. I love doing a brain dump, where I unload all swirling thoughts onto paper. Whether typing or handwriting, I don’t worry about grammar or spelling—I simply write whatever comes to mind. This process allows me to examine and reframe my current thinking.
Therapy and coaching - helpful tools for healing
To help me understand my thoughts and experiences and shift my perspective, I love working with a therapist and a life coach. Let me share how a coach helped me reframe my thoughts and approach my experiences differently. I used to view sadness and grief as a waste of time, feeling guilty when my capacity was affected by symptoms like depression, anxiety, and OCD.
I remember saying to my coach, “I get that I need to feel my feelings and process my grief, but why do I have to KEEP doing it?! Like shouldn’t once be enough? It seems like such a waste of time to keep feeling sad or experiencing grief. It’s slowing me down from doing all I want to do. I just want to live my life.” Yet, my coach helped me realize that feeling sad, is actually a part of living my life.
“Suffering is an inextricable part of life.”
- Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Suffering is a part of living my life
In high school, we studied world religions. I did my report on Buddhism. The Buddhist perspective on suffering is central to its teachings and is encapsulated in the Four Noble Truths.
The First Noble Truth - The Truth of Suffering
Suffering is an inherent part of existence and living. This includes physical suffering like illness and pain, emotional suffering like sadness and frustration, and existential suffering that comes from the impermanent nature of all things.
The Second Noble Truth - The Truth of the Origin of Suffering
The cause of our suffering is our desire and attachment for things that are impermanent. Feeling upset comes from wanting things to stay the same. But everything around us changes. We often don’t want to acknowledge pain. We sometimes wish things could stay the same forever and we often dislike change. We like to feel certain and in charge. Stability and control is comforting, which is why we sometimes ignore the truth that nothing lasts forever.
The Third Noble Truth - The Truth of the Cessation of Suffering
It is possible to end the cycle of suffering and to obtain a state of inner peace and freedom, also known as “Nirvana” or “Enlightenment.” To comprehend and transcend suffering, it begins with acknowledgment and employing meditation, mindfulness, and other spiritual practices. These tools assist in focusing on the present moment, releasing attachments, and progressing forward.
The Fourth Noble Truth - The Truth of the Path to the Cessation of Suffering
This truth provides a practical guideline for ethical and mental development with the goal of freeing individuals from attachments and delusions, leading to understanding, love and peace. This is known as the Eightfold Path.
I loved learning about those four noble truths—the teaching that suffering is an inherent part of life caused by our attachment to impermanent things and wanting to be in control, and that enlightenment and peace can be achieved by understanding this impermanence, letting go of attachments, and through following the Eightfold path of ethical and mental development. But as a teenager in high school, I don't think it really sunk in.
As I’ve worked with a therapist and different coaches, I’ve gained the understanding that suffering is a part of living my life. And it’s okay. Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Duh, Megan.” But to me, it was a revelation.
The irony of this realization is that embracing sadness as a part of my life, making room for it without self-judgment or an immediate need to alter it, actually brings me more peace, freedom, and ultimately diminishes my suffering. I'm a human being, and navigating life involves experiencing a range of emotions, not just happiness, but also sadness and grief. Change is constant.
Slowing down + taking gentle care of myself
So, during this season when I'm feeling more sadness than usual, I've slowed down. I'm focusing on the essentials and leaving the rest for later. For example, mealtimes and my kids’ stimming behaviors are pretty messy, leaving food and packaging scattered around the living room daily. I hate picking it up throughout the day because it just gets immediately messy again, so it's too frustrating for me. Instead, I usually spend about 30 minutes to an hour each morning while my kids sleep, cleaning up the mess from the day before.
But for the past week, I quit. I let the mess pile up. Instead of cleaning, I took hot baths. I ate good food, I used red light. I journaled. I felt the sadness and went to therapy. I listened to an interesting book on Audible while walking barefoot (grounding) around the backyard in the sun. I slept in. I hopped on the elliptical. I watched a fun new show.
After a week of this, I finally had the energy to tackle the mess. It took a little longer than usual, but the world didn't end, and we all managed just fine. And I got what I really needed at the time.
Now maybe for you, cleaning is cathartic. I'm not suggesting that everyone should stop cleaning. Instead, I encourage you to consider whether there are aspects of your routine that you can temporarily set aside to create space for gentleness and self-care during challenging times.
Healing slow is still healing
I've had seasons in my life where I couldn't slow down, or at least not by much. After my son's diagnosis in May a couple years ago, things were so crazy for the next several months. I didn't get a chance to slow down, catch my breath or deal with my feelings until January. And then it all hit me like a truck and took a while to start feeling like myself again.
Then there were times, like during my deep depression years ago, when I lacked the tools to navigate my emotions safely. So maybe you're not in a position yet to slow down and process your grief. Or maybe it's not safe yet for your body to deal with it all. Feeling and processing it all can be hard, painful and intense work. I think it’s okay to acknowledge that.
If you're in that place right now, please don't burden yourself with guilt. You're doing your best with where you are. Hold on; this heaviness won't last forever. Keep moving forward, even if it's just one small step at a time. Healing, even at a slow pace, is still progress.
I won’t feel this way forever
Thanks for indulging me as I discussed my current struggles and the things I'm doing to cope and heal. Like acknowledging that our bodies remember past traumas and that suffering is a part of life and using tools like therapy, coaching, journaling, slowing down and taking care of myself. I hope it helps you feel a little less alone and maybe gives you some ideas for your own journey.
To be honest, I'm still struggling. I still don't feel like myself. I'm still processing the grief and sadness. But I'm grateful I have the tools to support me through it and the clarity to make sense of what's going on.
I'm so grateful my body helps me pause and take time to heal. I know I won't feel like this forever. I'll come out of it again. And in the meantime, I'm so grateful for this little podcast to connect with all of you so maybe we can all feel a little less alone in our struggles.
Let’s Connect
Thanks for tuning in today!
I’d love to hear from you! How have you been feeling lately? How do you personally cope with difficult emotions like grief and sadness? How do you create space for healing and self-reflection in your daily life? Have you ever experienced guilt or shame for needing to slow down and prioritize your mental health? How do you overcome these feelings? You can send me a DM on Instagram at @maybethiswillbethecure.
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Disclaimer: The information shared in this podcast & the show notes is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.